How Trauma Keeps Us From Receiving And Makes Us Perpetual Givers
I used to spend hours chanting (I was Nichiren Buddhist) just to pay rent.
The bigger my goal, the longer I used to chant. I'd host 10 hour chanting marathons because I believed a bigger goal took more time to achieve and I needed to chant for longer periods of time for the Universe/ Source/ God to hear my prayer and give to me.
I grew up seing my mom and aunts behave in the same way - they'd pray longer and harder when there was a big goal to achieve.
In December 2018, I renovated my mom’s house and turned it into a retreat space, my mom got upset because it took me six weeks to turn her house into a retreat space.
She actually told one of my aunts (her cousin) that she felt it needed more prayer and more time.
She hated how fast everything happened.
Our beliefs about receiving are tied to the God Wound
We’ve been taught that we're not worthy of receiving the things we really want and that God needs to be placated, serenaded or seduced to gift us.
We believe "it can't be easy" because our understanding of the Divine is one of struggle and not pleasure or grace.
We see miracles and quantum leaps as impossible or we attach a price tag (prayer, tithing, calling God the King of everything and giving him/her/it compliments for 30 mins before asking) to our desires.
This is one of the biggest God Wounds and is one of the things that stops us from asking and receiving.
Because after all - who are we to ask and receive without going through the song and jive that we think God requires to gift us?
So we block our own gifts and our own miracles until we've done the very very most because it has to be hard
It has to be hard to receive even from the Divine.
When I healed my God Wound, I stopped my 10 hour chanting marathons and accepted that I don't have to do anything more than ask (for 1 minute or even less) and be me to receive what my heart desires.
Why do we feel guilty about receiving?
I feel guilty about having and receiving when I go into comparison and story mode.
Underneath all this is my ego saying: "I’ve been given more than most so I am happier and more blessed and and and..."
All that is a story.
Just because I’ve been given more of anything, doesnt mean anything.
The thing that trips us up is the story that we’ve created about having more than others.
Erase the story and you just have more money.
That's all.
Having more money or receicing more money isn't what's causing the guilt.
The guilt is caused by the story we've created about what it means to have more money.
In my case I had a whole story that it means I"m more blessed and I'm more loved by the Divine.
It’s all ego.
All those stories aren’t true and there's no way I can know they are true.
Most times our inability and fear of receiving is tied to trauma or fear of vulnerability
When I was in my teens, my mom would preach to us (every morning without fail) about the importance of never depending on a man for money and how when a man has more money than you and he gives you money, he can control you.
She’d share her fears about how any person who gives to us, can use those gifts to control and manipulate us.
My mom's solution was make your own money.
She’d always end the lectures with a simple statement: "People should be independent."
And would spend an extra 5 minutes stressing the importance of entering a romantic relationship with your own money.
[If you couldn't make your own money, best stay single and do you.]
Is it any wonder that I viewed receiving as a weakness?
Is it a shock that I saw receiving from anyone as giving up my own power?
I don't blame my mother, in fact I applaud her for making us believe we didn't need to depend on men to live our best lives.
I understand what she was trying to teach and I’m beyond grateful.
But I’ve had to unlearn those beliefs about receivinh and have had to learn how to be vulnerable.
Receiving is also about allowing others to replenish me and fill my cup.
To constantly give is draining but it can also be about ego.
We are each our brother’s and sister's keepers, but we are not their saviors.
Click on the video below to learn more about this topic
How do you feel about receiving?
What are some childhood beliefs you picked up about receiving when growing up?
Share your insights in the comments section below.
