How Trauma Keeps Us From Receiving And Makes Us Perpetual Givers

I used to spend hours chanting (I was Nichiren Buddhist) just to pay rent.

The bigger my goal, the longer I used to chant. I'd host 10 hour chanting marathons because I believed a bigger goal took more time to achieve and I needed to chant for longer periods of time for the Universe/ Source/ God to hear my prayer and give to me.

I grew up seing my mom and aunts behave in the same way - they'd pray longer and harder when there was a big goal to achieve.

Dealing With Month End Anxiety Or Overwhelm

When I was heavily in debt, month end was always the hardest time of the month for me.

That's when my desperation and shame about money would reach an all time high and I’d start panicking because I knew I didn't have enough money to cover my bills and something was going to bounce.

At the same time, I was petrified of people finding out the truth about my finances.

My friends, who knew what was happening, told me to do affirmations and visualization and that everything would shift when I did this.

I even started budgeting because I wanted to see a shift in my life.

Yet something interesting happened in my world – the more I affirmed, the worse I felt and the more critical and negative I became towards myself.

I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me. I believed I was beyond help and that I was cursed when it came to money.

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